BREAKING: Legislative Goals 2009

This kind of advertising will soon be a no-no

AFP (American Freedom Press) reporter, Chipp Ed Theethe interviews  state legislators about some of their upcoming goals in the 2009 legislative session.

Theethe, “Stan (Adelstein), you had an interesting race this year. Anything you learned from it?”

Adelstein, “Yeah, Republicans posing as independents make crappy cookies.”

Theethe, “Interesting. Any goals this session?”

Adelstein, “Not sure. I haven’t spoken with Heidepriem yet . . . I mean Knudson.”

Chipp was able to catch up with representative Krebs.

Theethe, “What are your goals this session Shantel?”

Krebs, “Not sure. Roger Hunt and Mike Rounds haven’t emailed them to me yet.”

Chipp was also able to track down Gene Abdallah.

Theethe, “Gene, how do you (cough, cough) feel about the proposed (cough, cough) smoking ban in South Dakota, (cough, cough) excuse me (cough, cough)?

Abdallah, “I think it is a bunch of F***** Bulls***.”

Stephens, “Um. Okay. So I would assume you would vote it down?”

Abdallah, “Whadda you F****** think, McFly? By the way, can I bum a smoke, or two, or three?”

Chipp was also able to track down some Democrats.

Theethe, “Mr. Heidepriem, assuming you are still in a leadership position this year in Pierre, what are your goals.”

Heidepriem, “First I need to figure out who is a Democrat, who is a Republican and who pretended to be an independent to undermine other candidates campaigns.”

Theethe, “How long do you think that will take?”

Heidepriem, “It will probably milk up all our time. Think of it as the abortion issue of 2009.”

Theethe, “So will you get anything accomplished when it comes to education funding?”

Heidepriem, “Yeah, we’ll probably dick around with it back and forth, send a useless funding bill to the governor’s desk only to watch him veto it and make us send him a chopped up piece of legislation the next day.”

Theethe, “So you remain optimistic?”

Heidepriem, “Sure. Nothing says optimism like spending January in a hotel room in Pierre.”

Chipp found one of Scott’s fellow Democratic representatives in rural Tea trying to tear a banner off of a building.

Theethe, “Sandy, is this a bad time to ask you about your legislative goals?”

Jerstad, “Not at all, in fact it is a perfect time. I plan to introduce legislation that will make anything phallic shaped in our state illegal.”

Theethe, “Where would farmers store silage?”

Jerstad, “They’ll have to dig holes in the ground. I’m okay with HOLES and Medicade.”

Bye-Bye feed storage.

Lastly Chipp wanted to see if he could clear up the riff in District 15 between Vanderlinde and Kirshman.

Theethe, “Martha, are you willing to work with Pat on the issues, considering you are both in the state house, the same party and the same district?”

Vanderlinde, “Well, that would make sense, wouldn’t it Chipp? I don’t see a problem with it as long as I can get him to leave the Bishop’s house long enough to strategize our legislative goals.”

Pat seemed confused about Martha’s position in the House.

Theethe, “Martha says she is willing to work with you in Pierre.”

Kirshman, “Who?”

Theethe, “Martha Vanderlinde. The other House representative in your district.”

Kirshman, “Oh that lady. Sure! She can pick up my drycleaning and clean my hotel room while I’m working on more divisive abortion legislation during the day at the capital.”

So there you have it. Looks like another productive year in Pierre!

(FOR THE RECORD: Most of this stuff will probably never happen – unless Representative Frank Kloucek has his way.)