Hey there:
I just HAVE to catch you up on what’s all happening with the EggBert family. Things have changed quickly around the household. It has been discovered via in-depth investigations by the Sioux Falls super sleuth reporting teams from the Argyle Leader newspaper, KELO-world TV, CMN’s Just the Facts of Life , KBLT, and OKSFY that my Aunt Bertha actually was NOT impregnated by the GOP V.P. Candidate’s Hotty hubby Toddy on her recent trip to stalk him up in Alaska. Doggone it all if she didn’t fake the whole thing.
Note: Below is an exclusive post-investigation photo of OKSFY’s Nancy Naive demonstrating a true-blue abstinence-only procedure.
It seems that Aunt Bertha’s motive in telling this little white lie of impregnation was clearly innocent and justified as she just only wanted to make my Uncle Rusty green-eyed with envy. Well, it didn’t work because steely-eyed and staunchly radical Uncle Rusty just continued drinking beer and watching his favorite left-winging, leftist, liberal TV networks (like PBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Animal Planet) throughout the entire ordeal. Aunt Bertha’s brilliant performance failed as Rusty ignored her futile attempts at convincing him to “keep the baby” by refusing to seek her BigOBGYN’s advice while planning instead to just dive into direct sexual-crisis issue counseling sessions with Pastor Steve of Church of the Late Gate.Â
A family statement released to the media by my unmarried, prego-neice Nellie’s boyfriend, Petey Schwetty, pretty much sums up this exciting happy-ending story: “It’s a good thing my chick and I listened to Pastor Steve’s sexual-crisis issue counseling instead of Nellie’s ignorant woman-doctor, because after Nov. 4th, chicks I get laid will not only have Pastor Steve’s blessing, but they will have the protection of Governor Rounds and his government.  May the doctor’s decision-making powers of persuasion of this nation be cast away and damned, and may nitwits like my prego girlfriend, Nellie, remain where they ought to be – making babies, NOT making baby-making decisions. Plus, we need something else in the house to kick around since our mutt-of-a-dog , Ass-Wipe, got horny and recently ran off with some bitch…”Â
So, alas, my Aunt Bertha is not really oven-bunned, not just yet, anyway – but WHEN Initiative 11 passes on Tuesday (and it surely will, because the majority of South Dakotans BELIEVE in Republican Party values i.e. freedom of choice like not restricting and regulating gun usage, less bureaucratic intrusion on health issues like not banning smoking in restaurants, smaller government like not having extra employees monitoring and mandating stuff on us, and eliminating wasteful spending on things like frivoulous lawsuits for unconstitional laws, etc.), then she will head to Alaska once again to make all attempts to seal the Hotty Toddy deal. And the government, with great care and efficiency, will be there to decide the fate of women and men who want to engage their baby-making processes.Â
(See photo below of Governor Rounds and his Makin’ Whoopie Militia rehearse the newly-passed Initiative 11 law drill at the Unversity of SD after “Dick and Jane” get caught trying to “get it on” WITHOUT baby-making/delivering/raising/or giving up for adoption regardless of situation INTENT…)
Oh, by the way, it was also recently discovered and uncovered by OKSFY’s weatherman/reporter/singer and all-around hunk, Shaun CableTV, that my sister-nephew, Nathan Jane, was not actually conceived of incestual EggBert famiily pants or genes, but is instead found out to be a homotrisexual “it” with 3 separate reproductive genitalia parts: that of a man, woman, and “ALPHA” creature. An “Alpha” (commonly known as “Alphelpha”) is embryonically and cryogenically created by the wonderful folks at the Unrrruuughh’s Alphabetized Center.  This “Phelpha” (as it is also often called) was recently adopted out to a compatible and intelligent family-like group of people (due to confidentiality the names of the parents cannot be released) and its new name was legally changed from Nathan Jane to Leslie Steve Allen Brandi Geibink-Cable.
Sincerely,
EggBert qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm