A DOG AND A BILLY CLUB
Earl Petty Jr.
(Part2 of 2)
Beth went to the kitchen and grabbed a box of dog biscuits. She sat down in front of G. Gordon and commanded him lay down. He didn’t do it. Beth said, “roll over.†Nothing happened. “Speak!†she ordered.
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“Why don’t you tell him to screw something,†I offered.
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“Screw you,†Beth said. The dog stood at attention. I about shit my pants.
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“G. Gordon, sit!†Beth said. G. Gordon sat.
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“Janet lit a cigarette. “At least he knows one command,†she said, “otherwise if someone breaks in he can always sex him to death.â€
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“Whatever,†I said. “Can I use the bathroom? Does it work?â€
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“Yes,†Janet said, “the landlord had somebody fix it earlier. But don’t pee on the seat. I hate that.â€
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I waved her off, entered the john and shut the door. I lifted the lid and took a leak. I put the seat back down and washed my hands. Then I flicked a few drops of water on the seat and laughed to myself. I was getting ready to leave the can when I heard the neighbors through the wall. It sounded like a couple going at it. The woman was screaming, “Oh! Mike! Oh! Mike!†in an increasingly higher tone and volume.
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I walked back into the living room. “What the hell is that next door?â€
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“Oh yeah,†Beth said. “They are constantly fucking, all day, every day.â€
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“The neighbor girl is seeing Mike Handison,†Janet said.
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“The college football player?†I asked.
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“One in the same,†Beth said.
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“They call him ‘The Handyman,’†Janet said. “Because of the size of his tool,†she nodded.
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Beth raised her eyebrows. “It’s rumored his pecker’s the size of a church bell clapper. I hear he has a temper too.â€
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“I know,†Janet said. “He stomped the shit out of James Cole for looking at his girlfriend funny.â€
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“He’s only five-eight,†I said. “That shrimp couldn’t take anyone. That’s why the pros won’t even take a look at him.â€
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“I hear he’s trying out for the Jets next season,†Beth said.
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I grabbed one of Janet’s cigarettes and lit up. “With the Jets’ performance the last few seasons, I’m surprised I haven’t got a call,†I said.
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I took the last swallow of my beer. “Well I know one thing, I don’t want to listen to his shit.†I stood up and walked into the bathroom. The woman was reaching a crescendo, again. I gave the wall a few firm raps.
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“Hey, Handyman,†I yelled. “Why don’t you holster that thing for a while. We’re trying to have a conversation in here.â€
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I took a drag off my cigarette and put my ear up to the wall. I shouldn’t have. The Handyman started pounding and kicking the wall. “I’m gonna kill you! You son of a bitch!†he screamed.
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“Hey shorty,†I yelled back, “Why don’t you use that slab of yours to knock down the wall. I bet you could hit harder with your pecker than you could in full pads on the football field, you pussy.â€
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I left him pounding on the wall and I went back to the kitchen for another beer. The girls followed me in. G. Gordon watched.
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“You moron,†Janet said, “he’s gonna come over here and we are gonna have to take his shit. I hope you’re happyâ€
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“Don’t worry,†I said popping the tab, “I’ll answer the door.â€Â
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“Well,†Janet said, “let him kick your ass in the hall so you don’t get blood on the carpet.â€
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I took a long drink. “In addition to the beer, urine and cigarette butts already there?†I asked.
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Just then Handyman started violently beating on the door. “Come out you piece of shit!†he screamed. I went to open the door. G. Gordon just sat there. “Some guard dog,†I muttered.
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I opened the door. Handison was standing there balls naked. I looked down. The rumors were true. It was like a billy club dangling on a string. The rest of him was beet red and breathing like a bull.
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“Hey,†I said holding out a beer. “You look like you could use a cold one.â€
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His chest heaved with deep breaths. His nostrils flared. “I’m gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck!â€
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As I took a long pull from my cigarette, something hit me from behind. I fell down and spilled another beer. My second wasted beer today. It soaked my cigarette. My luck was changing for the worse.
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Then I heard screaming. High pitched screaming. I stood up and G. Gordon was on top of the Handyman. It looked like the huge beast was having a little more success with the college star than he did with me. At least I had some clothes on to slow him down. A couple seconds later all I could see was the massive dog and a couple human limbs frantically waving underneath. It looked like G. Gordon had found true love. I kicked my empty beer can down the hall and went back inside.
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Janet and Beth were still in the kitchen. Janet opened the fridge and handed me another beer.
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“Good God,†Beth said. “What happened?â€
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I popped the tab and smiled. “G. Gordon has a new girlfriend,†I said.
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I took a drink of the beer. It tasted good. The best goddamn beer all day.
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