GOD, “Stop voting for Republicans, and the flooding will end.”

BY Johann Hawkins

STORMLAND ENDORSER NEWS – Sioux Falls, SD

After I finished my interview with God (the almighty) I could only think of my favorite biblical verse,

“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:24

Was God telling us the truth? I mean, would he lie to us?

This interview got rolling the other day when a fellow journalist from a real newspaper in Sioux City told me, “A lot of tax dodging rich folks are upset about the flooding in Dakota Dunes.”

And I jokingly quipped, “Maybe their greed and ignorance caused it?”

And as Starfucks coffee shot out of our noses from the laughter (which, BTW, tastes better coming out then going in) I got a call on my Dingleberry. It said restricted number, I picked up anyway. The caller said, “Is this Johann? Nevermind, of course it is Johann, I watched you pick up the phone. This is God.”

At first I was a bit nervous, right before my friend showed up I was surfing porn on my phone and thought God was calling about a little intervention. He says, “About your comment, it is true, I always punish greed and ignorance with an occasional flood.”

I said, “Well, God, I was just joking.”

He says, “I’m not. Seriously. You wanna build your house in a slew between two river bottoms that are known for flooding, hey, you are rolling the dice. Well, I am really rolling the dice, and the house never loses (a muffled giggle is heard).”

I challenged God, “So what you are telling me is that you allowed this because ignorant people think they can control mother nature?”

“Well, Kinda.” God replies. “It has more to do with Republicans and their constant hypocrisy. You know, I’m not a fan of hypocrisy?”

So I said to him, “So these floods are punishment for South Dakotans voting in Republicans?”

God says, “Pretty much. Noem was the tipping point. I just thought over 30 years of them running the working class into the ground that it was a little payback time and what a better time and place like now? Do you think it is just by happenstance that Pierre and Dakota Dunes are seeing the worst of this?”

I was a bit taken back, maybe God was telling me the truth, maybe Republicans really did have it coming? So I asked him about the Army CORPS. “Some people are blaming the CORPS for mismanagement.”

“Well (chuckling) they aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer,” God retorts, “but they couldn’t have created this mess all by themselves. Do you think New Orleans was a result of a Hurricane? Silly boy. It’s the classic ‘bait and switch’ by rich greedy Republicans, blame someone else for your stupid decisions. I mean, really, did the CORPS put a gun to these people’s heads and force them to build their homes in a historical flood zone? Nope. But a couple of people even greedier then them convinced them of a tax haven. Wonder how those tax cuts feel now while living in a hotel as your McMansion is destroyed?”

I was a bit surprised, and I said to God, “Kinda cold, don’t you think?”

God replies, “You Christians and your New Testament peace and love crap, have you read the Old Testament? You do know I am a Jew? Right?”

Well, that shut me up, momentarily, but I wanted to get back to the CORPS. I said, “What do you think of Bill Janklow threatening to sue the CORPS over this?”

God laughs, “Funny you bring up Bill, St. Peter and I were just talking about him the other day, but we won’t get into that. Who do you think Wild Bill is going to defend? Rich Republicans or government? I can’t wait to watch that spectacle, maybe that trial will actually end with putting his ass in jail once and for all.”

I was still uncertain what God was getting at, and if there was a biblical lesson to be learned here, so I asked him, and he replied,

“Stop voting for Republicans, and the flooding will end. Keep it up and you will find out just how much a grasshopper can eat.”