BREAKING: the City decides to destroy municipal ballots, use dolphins instead

April 1, 2014, 1:45 PM

While discussion has probably been occurring all morning (at outside law offices and county commission meetings) on deciding what to do with the typos, misleading attorney language and musical ballots being mailed all over the southern part of the state, the SOS of state decides to step in with a solution.

“I say we release the dolphins. At this point in the game it is the only solution.”

The SOS got the idea in a dream after a full night of watching the Cartoon Network. “If Aquaman can summon the beasts of the sea, why can’t we?”

The idea is simple, instead going to a super precinct to vote, the city clerk and auditor’s office will transport dolphins throughout the city in vans with kiddie pools in them. They will drive throughout neighborhoods at slow speeds and the dolphins will pick-up votes through mental telepathy.

“It will alleviate many of the ballot issues, including not having enough ballots at the vote centers. BTW, we will not be using any SF School District vans. I think we have learned our lesson.” Says the city clerk.

We wondered if there would be any concerns with this new system of voting? “At this point, we don’t know how the dolphins will react to pool ballot measure, but I am sure it will be fine, they will be getting a pool either way. Right?” Says the SOS.

Once the dolphins have tabulated all of the votes, they will bark the vote counts at the mayor’s gigantic head, which enables them to ricochet into the many vote counting computers.

“With the help of the mayor’s gigantic head, the votes with be tabulated in minutes.” Says the county auditor.

We asked if there would be any danger of some of the votes leaking into the mayor’s head and getting trapped? The auditor said, “Nah, we did a test, we found that they just bounce around for awhile in the massive empty space and eventually seep back out.”