International Emergency Christian (Republican) Family Action Alert:
Volleyball Players in Sexually Promiscuous Embrace and AttireFreehold, Iowa – Behind the locked doors of America’s Christian bedrooms, young boys are getting swept up in a disturbing trend. “I had a frantic mother come to me the other day in tears,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “She told me that her son, Timothy, invited several of his friends over into his bedroom for private prayer and devotional scripture studies. What she told me next is enough to send shivers down the spine of every God fearing mother and father in our Christian Nation! Satan is in our midst, my friends! The Devil is using Olympics volleyball to lure young men into shedding their clothes, flopping around and falling off off their beds with him into the pit of iniquity. Lucifer is turning innocent afternoon gatherings of imprecatory prayer into frenzied young Masturbating Baptist Boys’ Clubs!”
When Mrs. Huxton put her ear to the door, she told Pastor that she “heard not the sacred sounds of scripture readings accompanied by soft sweet whispers to our Heavenly Father, but rather a noisy television set spewing Chinese gibberish, tuned to an Olympic volleyball match.” When she listened closer, she heard the slapping sounds of flesh-on-flesh accompanied by the grunts and moans of little Christian boys!
When she opened the door, Mrs. Huxton reported seeing a pile naked young men, including her own son. “Timothy’s head was peeking out from under the pimpled rump of his prayer leader,” she said. “They were all on the bedroom floor covered in sweat, their stiffened purple tallywhackers pointing in every direction.” Before Mrs. Huxton fainted in the doorway, she noticed the Tivo paused on the scantily clad knee of an Olympic volleyball player from the corner of her tearing eye.
Read the rest here http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2008/august/olympicvolleyball.html
l3wis 6 thoughts on “WARNING: Satan is Using Olympics Volleyball to Get Young Boys to Masturbate!”
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Good Golly – this just HAS to be true because Aunt Bertha told me that Uncle Rusty has been downstairs in the darkness, watching the olympics on TV the past 2 weeks – drinking heavily (Mountain Dew – Satan’s unholy drink), eating chips (Lucifer’s crispy temptations), and making loud, panting-like glorious sounds when a golden false idol is placed around the bare-naked neck of a young man or woman. I am calling the Church of the Gated’s Pastor Steve IMMEDIATELY to report this evil pro-choice olympic sexual masturbation issue!!! YOU should do the same, or may God hsve mercy on your masturbating issues…
Sincerely,
EggBert T.
It seems as if the mother in question is NOT giving her son enough information on sex, his sexual urges, and also DESPERATELY needs to calm her uptight ass down. Like she didn’t masturbate when she was his age. Oh heavens- a knee, we must call the exorcist!!! Unholy urges!!! He is possesed! God that woman needs to chill.
I prefer ‘Weiner’ over ‘Tallywacker’ I have never whacked a tally.
There are still people out there who are this repressed?
Maybe a little “frenzied” masterbation is exactly what they need.
I think all need a good frenzied tallywhacking sometimes.
Icky and gross, people – can we pleasssse NOT TALK about this sinful nature sexual stuff? I am now going to call Church of the Mate’s Pastor Steve because my family (except for Uncle Rusty, who we often catch looking at dirty pictures of Olympic sinners in Sports Illustrated magazine)and I are EACH having an emotionally-scarring sexual crisis! Jeepers, creepers, even Granny Gumption seems to be traumatized by it all what with all the groaning and moaning sounds coming from behind her bedroom door.
Sincerely,
EggBert T.