Author Archives: Eggbert

Dear Fellow Patriots: 

This is why God invented Sunday…

The EggBert Family has just gotten word that Sarah Palladin’s will not only feature her signing her “Gone Ragged” book at Barn’s & Noballs in Sioux Falls this evening, but that she, along with special guest, Senator John McCane, will also be at the local Senior Weiner Restuarant signing Palladin’s daughter’s lover Levi’s weiner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, God works in mysterious ways, but who can NOT be filled with such pure, raw exhileration in being part of this Holy Sunday’s PALIN-POWERED PLEASURE DOME OF BEAUTY?

LOOK OUT, President Saddam O’Bummer!!!  You are so GOING DOWN in 2012…

Sincerely,

EggBert & Family (except Uncle Rusty and Gramps Grumpy, who are both NOT being patriotic, watching NFL Football and sucking down brewski’s instead – the un-involved, lazy, liberal weenies – pooohey to you two!!!)

Dear Friends:

ALL COMIC BOOKS (not JUST the ones drawn on graph paper, neither) ARE PURE EVIL – PERIOD!   These disgusting fantasy books will be the ruin of the fragile & innocent brains of our youth! HURRY, pull them ALL out of Libraries, Homes, & Book stores – basically eliminate them from the entire existing PUBIC DOMAIN! – END OF DISCUSSION!

Just wanted ya all to know we just got back from an EggBert family vacation at Universal Studios & Adventure Island in Orlando. ZOUNDS, we had a Super-Duper time!  Unicorns, Marmadukes & Butterflies, we wish you all could have been there with us!!!

Sincerely,

EggBert & Family  (Except my 3rd-Cousin 4-times removed, Nutrina Nipless, who – while floating on the Horribly Haggared Funny-Page Floom –

– accidentally got both of her nipples ripped off by an Elongated, overhanging Dagwood tree branch

& was flown in a Flash by Hercules helicopter over the Incredible green-colored, monster-sized roller-coaster

to receive Fantastic Care at Adventure Island’s privately-funded medical emergency infirmary.

Unfortunately, non-wealthy, un-eNamored & obviously non-ambitious Nutrina does not have nor deserve adequate Health Insurance coverage so the good Dr. couldn’t re-attach the Doomed nipples in the correct areas on her Wonderful Womanly body. However, in good Spirits, some of the financially-conservative EggBert family members pitched in some X-tra Capital America coinage and, well…needless to say, By Crom, within the EggBert Family Circles she is now referred to as “Nutrina Naval-Nippled Dildo-Bert”)

Good day to all!

South Dakota’s Native American Day is a RACIST holiday! The EggBert Family (except Uncle Rusty & Gramps Grumpa who are downtown attending a Powee Wowee) and Neighbor Nugents are circulating a petition to change South Dakota’s racist Native American Day back to Columbo Day. Instead of honering unsightly, smelly & drunken Natives from North America who tried to keep our beloved & proud USA from being discovered, we NOW need to get back to the glory days of honoring our pure-skinned hero, Christopher Columbo!  WTF  – It is very, very racist not to follow the other 49 states in righting this racial imperfection. And it was very selfish of the Native Americans to initially not  allow us some land (THEN and NOW) – to build our new Target stores, etc. LET’S FINALLY GET THIS RIGHT, PEOPLE!!!

Below are photographs of other inspirational non-Native Americans who have signed our petition…

Sincerely,

EggBert & like-minded WWJD (What Would Jesus Dangle) people of persuasion…

Happy Day, everybody:

Re: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112781731&surl=http://sdpb.sd.gov/newsroom/default.aspx&f=module-opinion

Earlier today, Granny Gumption joined in the National Tea Parties (protesting against O’Bummer’s Communist Health Care Reform bill) – by serving her own special concoction of garden-grown prescription drug-laced tea to neighborhood kids. 

Sad to say, the local authorities were called by snitchy bitchy former SD Senator Tom Douchle so thusly, Granny was arrested, internally probed, & locked up for 2 hours in our county jail.  Her beloved personal physician, Dr. Allen Unrrruuuuuuugh posted her bail & then gave Granny her daily doctorly, healthy-care chiropractic back-rubbin’ procedure (i.e. big old monster man pro-life, bone-rattlin’ grab from behind) to help calm her down. Unfortunately, since she had nothin’ but a First Sanford Credit Card stuck in an undisclosed part of her body the po-po could not locate (think patent-pendin’-mini-saggin’-nipple-zippers), and the fact that the good Dr. only accepts cash-for crackin’ clunkers for payment of serving his health care to his wife & elderly women, he got to bone-rattle grab Granny until the cows came home for milkin’ –

Sincerely,

EggBert (who believes in good old-fashioned Health Care – i.e. you grow a cancereous cold zit, you let God’s Jesus’s Mother Mary’s Nature melt it off…)

Happy Labor Day & LifeFlight Weekend, everyone!

Neighbor, Jed Nugent, has a wonderful reminder for you all:

“Our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ will be appearing LIVE IN CONCERT this weekend at the annual kick-ass LIFEFLIGHT CONCERT out at our local place of fun (NOT place of sin!) – the Wild, Wild West Righteous Park so BE THERE, or Be SATAN SQUARE!  Socialize with fellow flocks of sheep, dance with the white-colored Prol-Life anti-sinners, pray together for Ted Kennedy’s soul to rot in Hell, knit non-aborted baby socks, be saved by the blood of Johnny Tune, & jump for joy while you JISM-FOR-JESUS all weekend long!”

Sincerely,

EggBert (Me? I’m just gonna pay my $20 and watch it on the internets –  as I just want to stay home with my paper towel roll. Less traffic issues, the same amount of pleasure (IF NOT MORE), and yet still very much in line with God’s Word, whereupon He states 1) in Psalm 30:11 – You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my nutsack and clothed me with joy – and 2) in Psalm 16:11 -  You make known to me the path of lifeflight; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore…)