Reunited with Eggbert
l3wis 
So I was watching the mayor running around after the 4th of July parade at Falls Park, telling people to get free ice cream (frozen corn syrup), and I run into Eggbert.
Eggbert
Eggbert – where have you been?
Not sure if you remember South DaCola columnist, Eggbert, but it seems he stole his moniker;
Eggbert: Dear fellow BIN Floggers
re: Lewis & Clark water pipeline meeting yields little
My neighbors, Ed, Ned, Jed, and Creamy Nugent have a whoppin’ sixty-nine “Build It Nowadays” signs duct-taped all over the outside of their beautiful, newly remodeled 6 and 1/2-story Ranch trailer house, and while suckin’ down BEERskies, smokin’ pipe and leanin’ on each other out at the back fence between our backyards, they reminded me and my family (including ones who live at home, are once removed, extended, ex, incestuous, half, disabled, twice removed, divorced, step, ignorant, cousinly, Christian and even non-Christian Uncle Rusty) to vote to “Build It Nowadays” on Tuesday, November 8th because the Nugents believe that drinkin’ BEERskies at the soon-to-be $200 million dollar fun-center  – watchin’ intelligent and manly men throwin’ a ball into a basket, goal, or net, and godly saints singin’ real pretty on stage  – all while we fall down drunk is much, much more important than even considering spending $200 million on an idiotic, liberal plan to provide obsolete liquid (water – really??? – YUCKY!!!) for 300,000 Sioux Falls area H2O-hoardin’ locals just to keep our tingly body parts moist when BEERskies do the same job. Goodness Gracious, Grampappy Grumpy, what the Hell are ya thinkin’?
Even Granny Gumption knows you can better lube up the ‘ole goofy-golf genitalia holes with MooseHead!
P.I.S.S. – We also don’t need your ignoramusly “old fart†advice on using our cool, hard-earned city/taxpayer money ($200 Million) on wasteful-spending ideas for upgrades to our city’s sewers, roads, parks, police, or fire dept., etc.  So, Gramps, go sit out front in your crappy lawn with your illegal cherry bombs, watch and listen to the cars bounce in and out of potholes, and stick your sewage backup spunk up your butt and shut it the Hell up. Also, be sure to pick up another 3 MooseHead kegs for the weekend – one for Granny, one for Creamy, and one for the rest of us lovable lubers…
Sincerely,
EggBert and family, Nugent neighbors, and fellow Right-wingin’ poor BEERskie-drinkin’ Christians with multitudes of “Built It Nowadays†signs up their whazoooooos’ –
Eggbert: Dear Fellow Fair Ground Goers
Aaaahhhhhhhh. Looking through our Nugent Neighbor’s Family Photo Album (SEE BELOW), we even figured out enough how to use the internets and located some of our favorite website stories on our iconic and most-beloved, most-respected, most-amazing, most-adored, most-idolized, most-peaceful, most-manly, most-conservative, most-humane, most-normalized, most-helpful, most-sane, most-Christian, and most-intelligentest person on the planet – who just happened to perform an inspiring FREE as in FREEDOM concert last night at our wonderful city Fair Ground.
Yes, it is, and always will be, Ned’s, Jed’s, and Creamy’s Step-(Bastardly)2nd half-Cousin In-law, thrice removed…THEE EDDDIE NUGENT(“THE NUGG-BUGG†for short)!!!
With the EggBert Family, Neighbor Nugents, and THE NUGG-BUGG in town together at the same time, you better watch your backs, you liberal hippie-honkers, or you’ll libel to get sucked on by a tiger penis, shot in the crotch by a Zebra plastic bullet pellet gun, poked in the eye by the fish-hook on a Zebco fishing pole’s fishing line (or even possibly tragically killed accidentally by The NUGG BUGG’s weapon of choice – TV’s Ronco Pocket Fisherman, like when Creamy Nugent’s ex-boyfriend, Zip ZipperFish, lost his precious life when he mistook one for a Monster in His Pocket and rubbed it in the wrong way), or scared off by a Moslem-hating Tea partying dude dressed up in an Uncle Sam suit or President O’Bummer or something…
Sincerely,
EggBert, along with THE NUGG-BUGG and regular Nugent Neighbors, who we’ve been recently partying it up late each night with  – doing such macho, Republican and capitalistic things like hunting for road-kill in the dark, catching various non-edible varmints between our legs in a backwards and upside down crabwalk-like walk, roasting them all up on an open fire, spitting up the hairy parts, puking up the toenail parts, swallowing the anus parts, then frying it all up once more on a fire lit with their total carcass remains on top of our own freshly made manure coals then eating up the previously spit up and puked up parts – right after Gramps Grumps says meal-time Grace by praying to Christ-Almighty and Granny Gumption marinates it all with her own urinary recipe (what she calls her “cul-urinary experteaseâ€)
EGGBERT: Weiner seeks leave of absence from House
Regarding this rather unspeakable, Peter-ugly, Democrat-typical, immoral “wiener event,â€
With great regret, I am needing to stand up tall, let ‘em hang, and come clean here – (or as Granny Gumption puts it: “Little Egg-Beater – either shape up & show me your clean balls, or ship out!!!!â€). It doesn’t matter that I was indeed one of the all-beef, fully HETROSEXUALIZED victims of CongressManly Antonio Weenie, it’s utmost important that he be locked up to never “weiner†anyone in Congress again. However gender-confused & difficult this somewhat tragic and newsworthy happenpantstance has been, I admit I had a small if not tiny/puny and wee role in this drama-ramma-dingdong.
I am boldly erect in admitting that I unknowingly giggled and twatted the word weiner more than once on a Pubic Library computer during frequent times this past year while performing extensive research into the vast array of “Weenie-Juice Use as either an Antibiotic, Mood stabilizer and/or Sex hormone in the field of Underground Restaurant Management Survival.â€
It seems that now it has been openly revealed  – (or as Gramps Grump coins newsflashes of this largeness: “Uncle Johnson has been un-caged and his wild & wooly and/or cute & cuddly Harvey wall-wanger is now out on the prowlâ€) that CongressManly Antonio Weenie’s magnificent images and sensitive messages were somehow exchanged with me during the heat of these Pubic Library moments. (Tiger growls & rooaaarrrrrrrrs and then sad Puddy-Cat whimpers & meeeeeowwws!!!!!)
Ok, I know that this very more than one scrotum-sided relationship needed to stop anyhew, but unfortunately, without further gentle Twats, funny Face-spaces, Shudderfly-shares, and Teste messages from my honey-bunny, I  realize that my weenie-juice will just up ‘n dry out and my usually wet-William Staunch Republican Egg-White Stoke-Yoke may  just fall over limp ‘n lewd-nude like…
I hope all is well with you and yours, and may God Bless the Republican parts of the USA !!!
Sincerely,
EggBert and his comrade-in-arms/fingers, Private Harvey Tiberious Johnson, Jr.