Poetry

The Ugly Table #49

l3wis July 20, 2011 4Comments

Gnarly Nasty Dude

C: As I understand it you will be waiting on our party of ten tonight?

ME: Yes, I am waiting for the people to leave from table 15 and I will clean it up and seat you right away.

C: Can I speak to you for a moment about what the hostess said to me when we requested the table?

Me: Sure, I have some time.

C: When I requested the table, the hostess said to me. “We will get you a cute waitress.” and I said to her, “I don’t want a cute waitress, I want the nastiest, gnarliest server you have.” She says, “I will give you Scott.”

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 7/20/11

The Ugly Table #48

l3wis July 12, 2011 4Comments

POTATOES ARE ROOTS. THEY GROW IN DIRT. DEAL.

C: There is a brown spot in my potato.

ME: I’ll get you a new one.

C: This one has a brown spot to.

ME: That is pretty common.

C: Really?!

ME: (What I wanted to say) Yeah, you numbskull. Potatoes are roots that grow underground in dirt, they have irregularities, such as ‘brown spots’ Sorry we didn’t x-ray your freaking potato first and check it for brown spots. It won’t kill you, in fact some people even eat the skins, which are of course giant brown spots that cover the entire potato. But I’m sure pushing 60 years of age you already knew all of this, so why are you being such a dick?

SIDENOTE: The best part was when his wife told him to shut up after he complained his side of butter and sour cream were touching each other in the same side dish. Sir. You are a brown spot in my life. Go away.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 7/12/11

The Ugly Table #47

l3wis June 28, 2011 4Comments

YES, WE LABEL YOU

(inspired by a recent customer complaint sent to the restaurant I work at)

Bad tippers, we got you down

Complainers, you’re pegged to

Campers that lounge around

and regulars that come to town

People we like and people we despise

we got your number, don’t act surprised.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 6/28/11