Poetry

The Ugly Table (#15 & #16)

l3wis December 16, 2010 14Comments

CAMPERS

A camper is a person(s) who hangs out at your table for hours after they have paid.

On a slow night, no one cares. On a busy night I would love to meter these people like a taxi.

“Wanna sit and block my section for three hours? Your tip just tripled.”

But when our lobby is packed, you are not just screwing my sales potential, you are pissing off my next customer who has to wait while you tell your friends about how little Johnny said ‘poo-poo’ today or how your boss is an a-hole.

Nobody cares, including your friends who are too chickenshit to just put on their coats and leave.

Go home. Go to a bar. Go to a coffeehouse. Go somewhere.

But, please, leave my section. NOW!!!!!!!

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/15/10

PRE-CAMPERS

“We will have some joiners in a few minutes.”

10 minutes later, fidgeting with their phone device

“Oh, they just texted, they will be here shortly.”

20 minutes later

“Could you bring more bread?”

40 minutes later

“Not sure what is going on? They said they would be here, must have gotten stuck in traffic.”

50 minutes later

“We are ready to order.”

Who are you?

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/15/10

The Ugly Table (#14)

l3wis December 12, 2010 10Comments

CARROTS

I OFTEN WONDER IF CARROTS WOULD BE MORE POPULAR IF THEY WERE NAMED ORANGES? THEY ARE MORE OBVIOUSLY ORANGE THEN ORANGES.

PROBABLY NOT. AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECUZ CARROTS SUCK.

IT’S NOT LIKE THEY TASTE AS BAD AS LIVER OR ZUCCHINNI? THEY HAVE NO TASTE. COOKED OR RAW.

AND TRUST ME, I TRIED TO BECOME A FAN. I’VE SOAKED THEM IN RANCH DRESSING, COOKED THEM AND MIXED THEM WITH BUTTER AND BROWN SUGAR. STILL SHIT.

CARROTS BELONG TO THE COCONUT, RAISIN, BANANA FOOD GROUP IN MY BOOK (OTHER FOODS I HATE.)

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/12/10

The Ugly Table (#13)

l3wis December 6, 2010 5Comments

SOMETIMES IT PAYS OFF

I waited on them on their first date.

I served them while courting.

I was there on their engagement, and the announcement of their first child.

I found them a wedding singer.

And I waited on them tonight.

Somethings are better then tips.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/6/10

The Ugly Table (#12)

l3wis December 4, 2010 0Comments

COCKTAIL?

We miss you Frank Zappa look alike.

When the jazz got hot, you cooled us down with Black Russian shots.

Cocktail?

Of course!

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/4/10