SFPD picks a specific officer to ‘thin the herd’ of deer in Sioux Falls.

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2fawn

Hey little guys, you may have a fighting chance.

South DaCola News

By Samuel Coldsweat

The SFPD announced today that they have picked a specific officer to ‘thin the herd’ of deer in Sioux Falls.

“It just made sense to us that this officer needed a little target practice, and what a better way to get it, but to practice on some dumb animals running through the trees and snow?” says Police Chief Darth Cowbell.

Of course Cowbell was talking about Officer Antwon Dickle, who ironically got himself in a pickle in Butthill Park the day after New Years. Dickle shot 8(?) times at a suspect that he believed pointed a handgun at him in a dimly lit area.

“Handgun, I-Pod, Pringles can, slingshot, dildo, what have you, the officer acted on the threat, but we were disappointed he missed the target, so we figured he could practice in the field on real moving targets,” claims Cowbell.

We wondered about the safety of the neighborhood he is shooting in.

“We will have him doing this at night to get the feel of the Butthill incident, but we will also warn neighbors when he is in the area, because we highly suggest they board up windows and go out for dinner and a movie those nights.” warns Cowbell “Just don’t expect us to record his operations or tell you how many shots he has fired, or deer he has killed. The SFPD just doesn’t operate well when we are transparent about our actions and being scrutinized. Cloak of secrecy is the best way to roll.”

We wondered how much ammo Dickle would be given to accomplish eliminating 30 deer.

“We figured with his accuracy, it would take about 20 rounds per deer.” sighed Cowbell, “So we are warning the food banks in advance if they are serving the venison, that they caution consumers that they may bite into a little ‘shot’ . . uh . . . or NOT (chuckling). Yeah, we know we may have better luck jumping out of trees and clubbing the deers to death with pool cues, but I think Dickle is up for the challenge.”

Cowbell estimated it will probably take Dickle about 6 months to accomplish his goal, and at that time he will be awarded a merit badge and advance to Eagle Scout training.

THIS ARTICLE WAS SATIRE. BUT ON A SERIOUS NOTE, I AM WONDERING WHY THE SFPD IS EVEN DOING THIS? THE SD GF & P OFFICE HAS PROFESSIONAL STATE HUNTERS THAT USUALLY TAKE CARE OF THESE TASKS. THEY SHOULD BE RUNNING THE OPERATION, WITH THE SFPD IN TOW. STILL WONDERING WHY THE SFPD HAS HIGH POWERED RIFLES WITH SILENCERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU SEE THEIR MILITARIZED VEHICLE ‘THE BEARCAT’ TEARING THROUGH YOUR YARD CHASING BAMBI.

Sioux Falls newest gigantic-triple-plex elementary school to be named after Super Homenn

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homenn-con

In an amazing, yet deserving move, the naming committee for the new school that will replace Mark Twain will be named after the presiding Super Homenn.

When one of the committee members was asked what the heck they were thinking by throwing out 200 suggestions and naming the school after a sitting super, she responded, “Thinking? Who needs to think when Homenn makes all the decisions for you? Besides, most of the suggestions (given to us from the super’s office) were for Homenn, or at least Homenn Like.”

While the over 200 suggestions that were presented to the committee were shredded, South DaCola, was able to dumpster dive into the instructional center’s recycling bin and hire an illegal immigrant to piece the paper shreds together (Thanks Sharif, hope you enjoy the McDoubles).

While Sharif wasn’t able to piece the entire list together, I did find a recurring theme within the first few pages;

Homenn Elementary

Oprah Winfrey Elementary

P. Homenn Elementary

Equal Pay Elementary

Pam H. Elementary

Anis Nin Elementary

P.H.d. Elementary

Mimi Van Doren Elementary (a very famous SD woman)

Well you get the picture, it looks like the committee had no choice but to name the school after Homenn. After all, it really was Homenn’s school to begin with. She recommended the consolidation of schools, hired a realtor to buy up houses in the area before the school board even approved the consolidation, had the School Board rubber stamp her recommendation (even though several parents objected) kept the naming committee she appointed secret, and shredded the over 200 suggestions that were made to the committee.

I feel good about the name change, after all, it’s about time we name a school after a living legend, rather than a dead one. Remember, Homenn has been a true rebel since her inception, first by breaking district rules by living out of the school district (because of her precious horses), denying sick kids a graduation ceremony, blaming the Shopping News for an anti-abortion ad in a sanctioned school directory that the communications director approved. Hiring two of her daughters to work at SE Tech, claiming it wasn’t nepotism because she isn’t the BOSS of SE, just the BOSS’s Boss of SE. She kept her contract a secret until state law made her reveal it, giving herself lavish benefits while denying raises to subs. I could go on and on about the other ‘infamous’ actions of Homenn, but I think the sub title underneath the actual signage at the school will say it all,  “Well behaved women rarely make history.” And you can bet a Susan B. Anthony coin the community will embrace this name to.

*This was satire. No Susan B. Anthony coins or horses were damaged during the writing of this article.

Why is the mayor’s wife asking for CVB marketing money to promote her new cookbook?

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The mayor’s wife, Sandy Chuether is pretty excited, I mean you would be to if the city fronted you a cool half-mil to write a cook book about all things “Soo Foo” or as Sandy says, “Soo Food!” Whether it’s Stormland TV‘s anchorman Jorgi’s famous lamb chislic recipe from the Turner County Fair or AL‘s Horney Meyer’s 6 patty cheeseburger from ‘5 Peeps Burgers’ (do you get the irony? 5 guys? 6 patties?) or her personal favorite, the Tennis Ball Meatball, “You know, it’s like, literally the size of a Tennis Ball!”

Well Sandy ain’t happy, and when Sandy ain’t happy, daddy sleeps on the couch. It seems Sandy wants more money from the CVB to promote her cookbook. In a telepathic message obtained by SouthDacola (no Dolphins were injured in the procedure) Sandy asked the city attorney if it was ok to use CVB marketing money to promote her fundraising for the new cookbook,

“BEEP< BEEP<BEEP<BROTTLE<SNAP<CLINK, ‘Darwin Faddle, are you there? Wondering if you would like to discuss with me using CVB money for promoting my cookbook? There is a Lemon bar in it for you! SNART<CLART<CLING<WALLOOP”

Being the Dolphin safe tuna eater that he is, Darwin responded, “Hard question, I will job that one out to the local Walmart attorneys, uh, I mean, our attorneys.” Which is still under consideration.

Which brings us to why she did this cookbook, “Well, you know, I don’t really do much these days except go to a lot of real estate closings (ever since my husband transferred all of his investments into my name) so I decided to steal . . . um . . . I mean, compile a bunch of friend’s recipes.”

“And you know, the tennis ball meatball is a fantastic recipe, it’s great comfort food for someone recovering from running into a fence pole after chasing a clearly out of bounds ball.” She laughs, “You know, I told him (the mayor) he should be playing pickleball at his age anyway.”

The controversy comes from Sandy asking the CVB to help fund the marketing of the cookbook (even though she already received $500K ‘seed’ money for the book from the city and asking for $1.5 million in donations to finish the project.

When we asked Sandy about the marketing money, she was quite candid, “Kinda ironic, isn’t it? Our local media ‘investigating’ me about asking for a couple grand to promote my cookbook, but they didn’t say a peep about the mayor’s wife asking for $500,000 publishing seed money, and the council approving it? Heck, they even invited me on their live programs to talk about it (of course without mentioning I was the mayor’s wife).”

“While I think it is awesome you are doing your due diligence on this matter, you must realize most people don’t care, so go back to writing about bicycles, vandalized gardens, or whatever you do.”

So we asked Sandy to explain to us, what she planned to do with the cookbook, once finished. “Give it to disadvantaged young tennis players, of course. Because as my husband says to me, ‘Greed is the Day God has given to you. Suck it f’ing dry!’ “

This is a parody of Ellis’ story today in the AL. It has always bugged me that the AL didn’t cause a stink about the CLEAR conflict of interest that existed when this money was awarded.