The Ugly Table (#20)
l3wis 
SEPARATE CHECKS.
Do middle-aged women who eat out together ever pick up the tab for each other?
Nope.
S. L. Ehrisman (c) 1/6/11
The Ugly Table
The Ugly Table (#18)
Over a few (several) glasses of Chardonnay and in between Botox treatments she blabbers about Obama’s socialism.
As the bartender Jake expresses his feelings on the public option.
(in between his cackles, his limp and adjustments of his Kramer hair)
He wonders if the working man will ever get his day.
As she wonders if she will still get over compensated from the healthcare industry next year.
She declares, “You are a bunch of fucking Democrats!”
Oh, you poor little rich bitch, how dare you are not allowed to make a profit on the sick and dying.
S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/26/10
The Ugly Table (#17)
Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
Thank You to all the strangers and regulars that put a little extra in the book when they pay their bill this time of year.
Not just for my sorry ass, but for all the single moms, disenfranchised youth, stoners, boozers, full-time students, and otherwise group of misfits who have to wait on you throughout the year. It’s a love / hate relationship.
For those of you that don’t spread the cheer – Merry Christmas to you to. May you find a new place to dine in coming year.
S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/24/10
The Ugly Table (#15 & #16)
A camper is a person(s) who hangs out at your table for hours after they have paid.
On a slow night, no one cares. On a busy night I would love to meter these people like a taxi.
“Wanna sit and block my section for three hours? Your tip just tripled.”
But when our lobby is packed, you are not just screwing my sales potential, you are pissing off my next customer who has to wait while you tell your friends about how little Johnny said ‘poo-poo’ today or how your boss is an a-hole.
Nobody cares, including your friends who are too chickenshit to just put on their coats and leave.
Go home. Go to a bar. Go to a coffeehouse. Go somewhere.
But, please, leave my section. NOW!!!!!!!
S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/15/10
PRE-CAMPERS
“We will have some joiners in a few minutes.”
10 minutes later, fidgeting with their phone device
“Oh, they just texted, they will be here shortly.”
20 minutes later
“Could you bring more bread?”
40 minutes later
“Not sure what is going on? They said they would be here, must have gotten stuck in traffic.”
50 minutes later
“We are ready to order.”
Who are you?
S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/15/10
The Ugly Table (#14)
I OFTEN WONDER IF CARROTS WOULD BE MORE POPULAR IF THEY WERE NAMED ORANGES? THEY ARE MORE OBVIOUSLY ORANGE THEN ORANGES.
PROBABLY NOT. AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECUZ CARROTS SUCK.
IT’S NOT LIKE THEY TASTE AS BAD AS LIVER OR ZUCCHINNI? THEY HAVE NO TASTE. COOKED OR RAW.
AND TRUST ME, I TRIED TO BECOME A FAN. I’VE SOAKED THEM IN RANCH DRESSING, COOKED THEM AND MIXED THEM WITH BUTTER AND BROWN SUGAR. STILL SHIT.
CARROTS BELONG TO THE COCONUT, RAISIN, BANANA FOOD GROUP IN MY BOOK (OTHER FOODS I HATE.)
S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/12/10