The Ugly Table #60

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I WANT ANGELS WIPING MY ASS

I’m pretty sure whoever invented toilet paper for restaurant public restrooms is a masochist.

I make a point of squeezing one off before I go to work, in fact, I schedule in an extra 10 minutes before I go to work so I can enjoy Charmin* (Best in the Bizzo). Like Tide* (Best in the Bizzo). Why f’ck around with half-rate? It cracks me up that we go head over heals where I work to make sure your experience at our establishment (food and service) is top rate, but if you drop the kids off at the pool, you are gonna pay! I told someone long ago, if I ever opened an eating establishment, it would be top-notch, all around. TP, Spit cups, wet towels, nude girls, what evah! Don’t do one thing and skimp on the other. If I am eating the best piece of cheesecake known to man, I want angels wiping my ass, not woodworkers.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 1/21/12

 

 

Guest Ugly Table (H/T – CW)

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This one reminds me of the assplug who wrote on the tip line, “My wife was supposed to get mashed potatoes not fries.” Yet the multiple times I came to the table and asked if everything was okay, the d-bag would say in a snotty voice, yes. What a petty & cheap dumbass.

The Ugly Table #59

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ILLITERATE DINER

D: “What are your sides?”

Me: “There is a full listing in the menu, let me show you the page.”

D: “Why can’t you just tell me?!”

Me: “Because I didn’t see you walk in here with a white cane or guide dog.”

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 1/8/12

 

The Ugly Table #58

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JUST SO YOU KNOW, I’M A SHITTY TIPPER

Before the rest of his party of ten showed up, the gentleman paying the bill asked me this question, because apparently, being cheap consumed his mind;

HIM: “Do you folks charge an *18% gratuity for parties?”

ME: “Yes with parties of 8 or more we put it on the bill.”

HIM: “Is it included in the bill?!”

ME: “No. It is SUGGESTED, but you don’t have to pay it. I will just remove it from your bill.”

WHAT I WANTED TO SAY,

“You mean to tell me that a man in his 60’s who is buying his family’s meal isn’t intelligent enough to NOT bitch about the gratuity until AFTER I have served you? Basically you are telling your server you are getting LESS then a 18% tip, so don’t work to hard.”

While I gave them good service, all I could think to myself was, ‘Cheap Fuck’ and sure enough, he proved it when he gave me a 12% tip on a $175 tab.

*(personally, my goal is 20% or more, obviously, especially this time of year, 10% is the going rate, but the reason 18% is suggested is so the server gets 15% and the other 3% is paid to the support staff. Trust me, it is not some mad conspiracy to screw you over, the state legislature has done a fine job of screwing over servers for years.)

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 12/20/11

The Ugly Table #57

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WELL BUTTER MY SIDEBURNS

I have seen butter on customers in several places;

• NOSE

• MUSTACHE, GOATEE, BEARD, SOUL PATCH

• MIDDLE OF SPECTACLES

Small children generally have it smeared all over their faces.

I have also seen it on ties, the back of hands, drink glasses and drink coasters.

But I have NEVER seen it on sideburns. NEVER! Until the other night.

Please explain . . . you know what, better you don’t.

S. L. Ehrisman (c) 11/18/11