Search Results: Eggbert

Greeting, my friendly friends:

My Grandpa Grumpy Gumps has a quick question he would like to ask you all: “What the Hell terrorist security level of Homeland advisory color are we at today, anyhew?  I want to know what to wear outside on tomorrow morning’s daily poop-scoop walk with our family mutt, Butt-Fungus Blossom.”

Sincerely,

EggBert mlpoknbjiuhvcgytfxzdresawq

Hi good folks:

If you and your fellow South Dakotans (mostly the KELO TV-Land World viewing audience) are bored tonight since there is nothing else to watch on the television (or what my Gramps Grump calls the “booby tooby nipple screen”), my Aunt Bertha alerted our family to the special episodes showing tonight on Lifetime, the Channel for Women (or as my Uncle Rusty says – Lifetime, the channel for sheep and manly goats). 

Just look at the lineup tonight: 8PM – Wife Swap where the Burkhalter and Elliot men swap wives. My Aunt Bertha tried doing the same with GOP V.P.’s hubby Hotty Toddy Paladin but Uncle Rusty vetoed it because, although he thinks Hotty Toddy’s wife is surely a HOTTY, he thinks she is dumb as a doornail.  And at 9PM, How to Look Good Naked is showing and Granny Gumption is so darn excited that she is popping up some Jiffy Pop popcorn on the stove, melting loads of butter in the microwave, and is using some kind of battery-powered stick-looking thing (that looks like an ear of corn without the kernals) and is sticking the entire thing down the front of her pants – oh, that silly Granny).

It doesn’t get much better after that with special episodes of Will & Grace and Golden Girls…

See the photo below of my family watching the Lifetime channel 4 years ago –  tonight (isn’t that special?) – VOTE YES for LIFETIME Channel, each and every 4 years!!!

Stay Tuned and Sincerely,

EggBert mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq

 

 

Hey there:

I just HAVE to catch you up on what’s all happening with the EggBert family. Things have changed quickly around the household. It has been discovered via in-depth investigations by the Sioux Falls super sleuth reporting teams from the Argyle Leader newspaper, KELO-world TV, CMN’s Just the Facts of Life , KBLT, and OKSFY that my Aunt Bertha actually was NOT impregnated by the GOP V.P. Candidate’s Hotty hubby Toddy on her recent trip to stalk him up in Alaska. Doggone it all if she didn’t fake the whole thing.

Note: Below is an exclusive post-investigation photo of OKSFY’s Nancy Naive demonstrating a true-blue abstinence-only procedure.

It seems that Aunt Bertha’s motive in telling this little white lie of impregnation was clearly innocent and justified as she just only wanted to make my Uncle Rusty green-eyed with envy. Well, it didn’t work because steely-eyed and staunchly radical Uncle Rusty just continued drinking beer and watching his favorite left-winging, leftist, liberal TV networks (like PBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Animal Planet) throughout the entire ordeal. Aunt Bertha’s brilliant performance failed as Rusty ignored her futile attempts at convincing him to “keep the baby” by refusing to seek her BigOBGYN’s advice while planning instead to just dive into direct sexual-crisis issue counseling sessions with Pastor Steve of Church of the Late Gate. 

A family statement released to the media by my unmarried, prego-neice Nellie’s boyfriend, Petey Schwetty, pretty much sums up this exciting happy-ending story: “It’s a good thing my chick and I listened to Pastor Steve’s sexual-crisis issue counseling instead of Nellie’s ignorant woman-doctor, because after Nov. 4th, chicks I get laid will not only have Pastor Steve’s blessing, but they will have the protection of Governor Rounds and his government.  May the doctor’s decision-making powers of persuasion of this nation be cast away and damned, and may nitwits like my prego girlfriend, Nellie, remain where they ought to be – making babies, NOT making baby-making decisions. Plus, we need something else in the house to kick around since our mutt-of-a-dog , Ass-Wipe, got horny and recently ran off with some bitch…” 

So, alas, my Aunt Bertha is not really oven-bunned, not just yet, anyway – but WHEN Initiative 11 passes on Tuesday (and it surely will, because the majority of South Dakotans BELIEVE in Republican Party values i.e. freedom of choice like not restricting and regulating gun usage, less bureaucratic intrusion on health issues like not banning smoking in restaurants, smaller government like not having extra employees monitoring and mandating stuff on us, and eliminating wasteful spending on things like frivoulous lawsuits for unconstitional laws, etc.), then she will head to Alaska once again to make all attempts to seal the Hotty Toddy deal. And the government, with great care and efficiency, will be there to decide the fate of women and men who want to engage their baby-making processes. 

(See photo below of Governor Rounds and his Makin’ Whoopie Militia rehearse the newly-passed Initiative 11 law drill at the Unversity of SD after “Dick and Jane” get caught trying to “get it on” WITHOUT baby-making/delivering/raising/or giving up for adoption regardless of situation INTENT…)

Oh, by the way, it was also recently discovered and uncovered by OKSFY’s weatherman/reporter/singer and all-around hunk, Shaun CableTV, that my sister-nephew, Nathan Jane, was not actually conceived of incestual EggBert famiily pants or genes, but is instead found out to be a homotrisexual “it” with 3 separate reproductive genitalia parts: that of a man, woman, and “ALPHA” creature. An “Alpha” (commonly known as “Alphelpha”) is embryonically and cryogenically created by the wonderful folks at the Unrrruuughh’s Alphabetized Center.  This “Phelpha” (as it is also often called) was recently adopted out to a compatible and intelligent family-like group of people (due to confidentiality the names of the parents cannot be released) and its new name was legally changed from Nathan Jane to Leslie Steve Allen Brandi Geibink-Cable.

Sincerely,

EggBert qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm

Hello there, friendly friends:

Below is an old photo of Aunt Bertha and Uncle Rusty (before they were married) sipping some of Granny Gumption’s hooch at a family reunion in the tiny village of Uterus-opia, SD.

Now, what with these two being grown up, married heterosexuals, and what with Aunt Bertha currently carrying an illegitimate but most imortantly, a NON-aborted baby within her belly – thanks to her aggressive actions forced onto her lustified sperm-partner, GOP’s V.P. pick’s hubby, Hotty Toddy Paladin – who wants – quote - “NOTHIN’ to do with it because it will just slow down my snow-machine and get in the way of my oil drillin’  – Drill, baby, Drill!”, well, this snapshot of their innocent relationship in better days now kind of sucks because NOW they are in the middle of a drag-out, knock down fight (Granny’s bottled hooch is flying…) –

Uncle Rusty wants her to seek out 1) reproduction advice from the Planned Parenthood organization, 2) medical advice from her chosen OBGYN doctor, 3) requesting assistance from knowledgeable family members and friends, and 4) information regarding options from an adoption agency.  Well, Aunt Bertha fires back with these disagreements to his lame-brain, idiotic ideas: 1) she knows for a fact (because she got a chain email stating so) that Panned Parenthood is just out to make big oil-like profits on aborted fetuses, 2) reminds us that she does NOT trust her long-time chosen ObigGyN doctor, Dr. Benjamin Spooky Eye (as evidenced by the below photo of he, who CAN’T even keep his car on the road let alone his hands on a stick-shift)

but that she DOES trust the beloved folks that she votes in for local, state, and national office (isn’t she a darn TRUE PATRIOT? – sniff, sniff), 3) states that she HAS already sought out advice from 90% of her family (including neighbors, Ned and Jed, who want to use it to fetch them the newspaper each morning) and explains that they agree with her stance, also learning such ideas as selling the baby for profit on the black market, Ebaying it when laws allow it, or at the very least keeping it for a child tax credit, and 4) she knows that adopting it out to someone else is the NOT the right thing to do as Granny Gump counseled her long ago: “Who the Hell looks decent-like after life’s leftovers, anyway? If yer gonna have ’em, then keep ’em, teach ’em, and treat ’em like your old tin coffee can ya pee in…”

My two cents in this family disagreement? This issue of women’s choice of needing government to make their reproductive decisions for them is of MUCH MORE importance in this year’s city, state, and national election than that of terrorism and the economy because those subjects have already been taken care of – what with Saddam dead and the economy bailed out.  Our leaders have done a magnificent job on those items, so NOW is the time to let government bail out our impregnated women. Goverment officials also know more about miscarriages than doctors do. Look at their track record. Women and their doctors just don’t get it, so they should step aside so a knowledgeable and capitalistic government of “We in the Womb, The People” can give them peace of mind.

VOTE YES FOR LIFE on Initiative 11 – because, from the EggBert’s family persepective, IF our sister-nephew, Nathan Jane, had INDEED been aborted, then who would we have picked on, slapped up, and spat on for all of these years? And in these End Times, we NEED Nathan Janes around just as much as we NEED devout Christianly followers like those of the Church the Late Gate helping us with our crises of the sexual kind… 

Sincerely,

EggBert Tiber%&$. Fra(&*. Icha@&^. Goo$%#.