Hello, everyone: Hope this finds you healthy and wise.
Having gotten a good smokey sniff of this August Letter Newsflash http://beta.argusleader.com/article/20090203/UPDATES/90203083&referrer=FRONTPAGECAROUSEL     my Smokin’ Nugent neighbors have a joyous declaration for you SD public anti-smoker folks:
Live Long & Smoke!” – Ned, Jed, Creamy, & mutty pet dog Nicotine “Smutty Nick Klingon” Nugent
Sincerely,
EggBert Ichabod Tiberius Frankfurter “Smoke me up, Smutty” Goofenstein
Dear beloved National exlax-leaders of America: (Including George H. Happy Bush, Babs, George W. Walking Bush, Babs, Jr., Dickie Chainy, Professor WolfofWiz, Donald D. Duck Rumsy, Mr. Turkey Turd Blossom Rover, Connie Rice-a-Roni, etc.)
Please come back and SOL (Save Our Land), because what with President Obummer’s sucky cabinet picks (tax-cheaters), his horrible choices to bring down our booming Sioux Falls economy (tax cuts and stimulus package? – bah! Our past president demanded that we spend and go broke, and this is what we EggBerts are going to do, doggone it…), his desire for Peace in the Middle East (and worldwide, the Anti-Patriotic War President), and his choice of dark & evil skin color, WE are now ALL going down the poop-hole… Â
Sincerely,
EggBert & family (except Uncle Rusty & Gramps Grumpy, who both like left-winger losers…)
P.I.S.S. – God, I miss His untouchable, more than two-ply strength…
The SD blogosphere has gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
I’ve gotten a lot of grief from people from both sides of the SD blogosphere about some of my wacky stances and positions, but I’ll admit, I have always approached them with honesty and a sense of humor.
Over the past weekend I’ve watched several of my counterparts in the SD blogosphere completely lose it, and not in a funny way. Not sure if it is because of Obama becoming president, or what, but you guys are seriously scaring the shit out of me.
– Pastor(?) DooHickey is having trouble praying for Obama.
– Sibby is afraid that Karl Marx was just inaugurated today.
– Pitty Pat Powers warns about the evils of public health and public safety.
– And Todd Epp suddenly has gotten a sense of humor, kinda.
Please guys, leave the wackiness to me. You guys can go back to writing about killing babies, the evils of Unions, the greatness of conservatism and Bruce Sprinsteen. Thank You.
What MLK, Jr. Day means to the EggBert Family – 2009
Like when eating Chicken at our annual MLK, Jr. day family gathering, we prefer pure White Meat –  so be very, very afraid of unhealthy Dark Meat. Be particular about choosing your type of Original or Crispy Crust, be on the alert for Bones, and watch your backside when partaking of a Mixed order. Thank God chickens aren’t made out of non-white people…
Sincerely,
EggBert & family (except Uncle Rusty and Gramps Grump Gump, who are at some dumb MLK, Jr. event at the downtown MultiAnti-WhiteRacial Center – the bigots!)
EggBert family women’s New Year’s Thriving Sioux Falls Economy Food-Shopping Resolution – 2009
1. Aunt Bertha: “This year, I will frequent more outdoor fruit markets where young Hotty boys sell their home-grown hard melons and nice, firm well-hung bananas – Yum, Yum!”
2. Granny Gumption: “I plan on buyin’ more fruit from the back of a truck ‘cuz I spent most of ma younger years with ma legs up in the air bearin’ fruit in the back of a truck – YeeeeeeeeHaw!!!!” –
3. Sister/Nephew/Cousin Nathan Jane: “This coming year I will shop more often for repressed, adrogoneous lobsters who are captured & treated like criminals by being forced into dark, isolated containment until someone (family member or otherwise) tries to chop off their arms & heads because they are universally deemed no-good stinkin’, slimey & crispy freaks” –
4. Neighbor Creamy Nugent: “This cumin’ year, I ain’t plannin’ on changin’ a damn thing from my usual Meat & Boy’s Buffet – Mmmm, Mmmm…Yowwwwzer!” -Â
5. Neice Nellie:  “In 2009, I will shop for more healthy,  pre-natal canned goods for me to eat like Pringles, pork & beans, and Soda Pop, ‘cuz Petey Schwetty, my boyfriend, likes to stick his weiner into me a lot and some day, a another tiny baby-like looking creature might come out of my baby-makin’ pee-hole areaâ€Â –
Way to go ladies – you are the cream of the crap, (ooops, typo), I mean – crop!
Sincerely,
EggBert, The Great 2008 Turkey Turd Award Stud
P.S. Now, let the 2009 New Year’s Turkey Turd Award competition hunt begin…(and you other SD Coke blogger-types can suck on my Turkey Turdlets because I aim to win it again next year – because one can never have enough Turkey Turd Awards sitting in the Fridge)